Acquiring my own politician

I have long dreamed of owning my very own politician. I think that could be very beneficial for most anyone! There is no question they are for sale to the extent of being a commodity. And they have made it legal, even with the cooperation of the not so Supreme Court. And good news! There is no political office, highest or lowest, local or federal, that cannot be bought! Is this a great country or what?

Who was the genius who came up with the name “Citizens United”? They should get an award of some sort for that. Would it bother you if I called shooting an endangered species “Natural Readjustment”? Sound harmless enough, doesn’t it?

I believe many of our neighborhood billionaires own a politician. In fact, they are probably polygloticians more often than not. You understand, a polyglot for politicians. Isn’t that a good mashup?

If owning one is good, owning several is great! I think billionaires might know what they are doing, so that is why I want at least one for myself. It has to be a great investment that just keeps giving, and taking, and giving, and taking…you get the idea.

It also seems like the best way to get on welfare. When one is on welfare it means they get everything they can from the government, for free, and usually do not have to pay taxes. You know, like a billionaire. They are the welfare masters of the world. That is why I admire them so.

Clearly the only way to benefit from a politician is to own one. I like to imagine how I would make use of my very own politician. The possibilities are absolutely intoxicating, and probably ultimately addictive, too. So what? Aren’t we all addicts for something or other?

Perhaps I can get my own personal politician to help get a law passed that does not allow any competing business to be located within a five mile radius of where I am. That would be useful, right? How about granting me a special license plate for my car that makes me exempt from citations for any traffic violations I commit? Those are just little things. But I would need to start out on legislative training wheels until I can learn how to be shameless enough to ask for the kinds of special treatment your everyday ordinary billionaire might demand.

There should be a website for buying politicians. It would probably be an auction platform. That could be challenging because billionaires, being the masterful welfare recipients they are, can outbid anyone any time they want. That probably means my best option would be a freshman politician and likely a house of representatives member. Ideally a woman. Freshman women tend not to be respected and will have a harder time getting access to important committees. But at least it would be an easier path to owning my first politician.

Maybe there should be a barter system for us to be able to trade politicians, like baseball cards. For example, I will trade two house members for one second-term senator. That would be a smart trade to start the ownership march up the political caste system. And for that matter, everyone knows senators can steal far more treasure than even the highest-ranking house member.

I have been searching online for tutorials or books that provide guidance and instruction for how to acquire politicians. I have not been successful in finding anything that is helpful. Isn’t it about time for someone who knows how to game the system to write such a valuable book? I think it would be a certain best seller!

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Kent Comfort

Kent Comfort is a writer, entrepreneur and podcaster. He enjoys life in the southwest with his wife and their cocker spaniel.